Published 16/03/2023
Experiencing
ANXIETY
as a child
My personal experience
Conversing with childhood Annabelle was like squeezing blood out of a rock. I was extremely shy! My family frequently reminds me about the challenge they’d go to to get me to talk. My uncle tells me our conversations would go something like this:
My Mum would say that I was a very stressed child. I had trouble sleeping, and wouldn’t want to go to bed at night. I struggled to get out of bed in the morning. We’d bicker about leaving the house on time.
In public, you wouldn’t get a word out of me. When I was at home, however, I was a nightmare. I’m the oldest of three children as well as the bossiest. I’d take all my anger and frustration out on my family.
Growing up, I couldn’t stand being yelled at; I cared too much about what others thought of me, and I hated disappointing people. So it felt easier to keep quiet.
Primary School
School was a struggle from day one. The first photo captures the aftermath of a meltdown over going to school.
Mornings were a battle… Getting out of bed, dressed, and eating breakfast felt unbearable. I’d scream as Mum brushed my hair, and we’d argue all the way to school. Eventually, she asked the neighbor to walk me instead, but I still clung to her side, unwilling to let go.
I managed to make friends easily enough, but always with girls; I was scared of the boys.
I sat in silence during lessons, lacking engagement. I let others raise their hands and answer questions, too afraid of speaking in front of others.
I was zoned out most of the time; my anxiety had me replaying scenarios or interactions I’d had earlier that day. Thinking about the way someone had spoken to me, or cringing over the way my voice sounded when I’d answered ‘present’ to my name during role-call. I’d be worrying about future scenarios like who I would sit with on the bus ride home (thinking it’d be embarrassing to sit by myself), or who I’d be partnered with for the next activity (I didn’t want to talk to someone I don’t know).
My school reports were average; I was constantly told I lacked focus and needed to participate in class. Which to me sounded wayyyyy to0 much to ask!
While I thought keeping quiet would please others and keep me out of trouble, I later found the complete opposite.
Taken Advantage Of
Looking back on my childhood years, I can see where people took advantage of me, knowing I wouldn’t stick up for myself or tell my parents. And this kind of stuff mostly happened at school.
There was one teacher in particular who had it out for me. She was a very stressed lady, and I was an easy target. It didn’t help that I was often caught in my thoughts. When I’d missed her instruction on class activities, there was no way I felt comfortable asking for her help. So I would sit there kicking myself, trying to see what the person next to me was doing. Of course, she’d catch me out and would yell at me in front of the whole class. Make cruel comments, and when she’d gone as far as making me cry (I wasn’t a crybaby, by the way), she would tell me to stop, rather than refraining from her behaviour.
I had Mrs F for two years and never told Mum what was going on at school. I’d come home, she’d ask how my day was, and I’d tell her it was great. Until one day I’d reached my breaking point. Mum was devastated that I hadn’t told her sooner.
The saddest part was I saw Mrs F as an authoritative figure. Because she was an adult, I never questioned her. Instead, I believed I was the problem.
From there on, my anxiety developed.
What anxiety felt like
As dramatic as it sounds. When anxiety strikes, it feels as though the world is ending.
Imagine the paranoia of taking an unknown drug. Your mind fixates on the feeling of your body changing in uncontrollable ways. You feel flushed, take off your jersey to cool down even though it’s freezing, and your palms sweat. Your stomach turns, and panic sets in as you realise something’s wrong. The panic makes you dizzy, and you feel trapped in a body that’s about to collapse. Your heart races, and you can’t catch your breath, you feel powerless to escape.
My senior years of primary school
I’d just finished my junior years of primary school (age 5 to 11) and about to become a senior, which preps us for high-school. The summer holidays are about to begin, and I’ve just found out my teacher next year will be Mrs G.
Over the next 8 weeks leading up to a new school year, I was petrified. I’d seen Mrs G occasionally on school duty (a teacher walks around school grounds on lunch breaks ensuring students are behaving), and she seemed grumpy.
I spent an hour on the toilet before my first day back at school, worried sick. Mrs G turned out to be my favorite teacher of all time.
Mrs G embarrassed me, picked on me, and lectured me, which came from a place of love. She taught me how to hold her gaze and watched our sports games on the weekends. She saw potential in all her students, no matter who they were. However, many didn’t appreciate her tough-love relationship.
I engaged in her class and was encouraged rather than ignored or shamed. She pushed me to do things I didn’t want to do, which made me grow in confidence.
Facing Depression at 13
As my final year of primary school was ending. Just when I felt settled at school, my anxiety returned with a vengeance. The thought of moving on to high school was petrifying.
I’ll never forget the night everything hit me. We’d just arrived in Shanghai, China, jet-lagged and exhausted, but I couldn’t sleep. I had dark thoughts about high school, and for the first time, suicide slipped into my mind. I thought I could sleep it off. But instead, I felt scarred and disgusted with myself for having thought those things. There was no way I could talk to anyone about this.
I lost my appetite for weeks. I’d go to bed early, just so I could see the hallway light on and hear Mum and Dad in the living room. That small bit of comfort made me feel safe. But as soon as the house went quiet and dark, the ugly thoughts would creep in. I felt completely alone.
How I got through it
The only way to overcome fear is to face it head-on. Looking back, there was no easier path to transitioning into high school. If my mum had homeschooled me, I wouldn’t have gained the confidence, resilience, or social skills I have today.
I was fortunate to have patient and supportive people around me, even if they didn’t fully understand what I was going through.